freshly made rice bread with bits of nuts and all sorts of deliciousness

from our neighbors the sims

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early christmas present from the sims

© Joselito Briones

© Joselito Briones

we were just about to have our coq-au-vin (photo above, burning in brandy flames before going in the oven), after a recipe from the two fat ladies, when the sim family (our neighbors from upstairs) came over and gave us early christmas gifts - japanese desserts.  shown on top is white chocolate mochi covered in green tea powder

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frei aber froh

no, my german has not improved at all.  it's got something to do with the music accompanying this letter (you'll have to play the music above).  johannes brahm's musical motto for this symphony Symphony No. 3 in F major, Op. 90  (3rd movement, poco allegreto) consisted of the notes F-A(flat)-F, the first letters of frei aber froh.  and no, i have not suddenly become a music expert either, i just read it somewhere else.  why frei "aber" froh (free "but" happy), you might ask, not frei "und" froh (free "and" happy)?  supposedly it's in response to the composer's friend's motto of frei aber einsam (free but lonely).

what about this music then?   not sure.  i think this is supposed to be meadows and creeks and flowers of spring, but somehow it gives me all sorts of feelings - at times confused and indecisive, bouts of resolve and brief periods of peace, sometimes hopeful but nothing more. it stops short of a conclusion, as if happiness or whatever resolution there is to be had lies after the last note.  i was listening to this when i was thinking of my last year in berlin and somehow it just fits and i couldn't get it out of my head.

i read somewhere that real happiness is that moment when you are faced with the promise of being happy.  i'm hoping the same is true about not being happy - that the worst one can feel is when one fears the possibility of not being happy - because if it's true, then the worst is over.

anyway, i should hear from my lawyer anytime soon. today is the court hearing for my divorce.


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the box

i know, end of january is still quite far away (that's when i'm supposed to move to california) but i don't know - somehow the ritual has begun.

for one i've started sorting my clothes.  the ones i won't be using anymore goes in the box.  my favorite items go in the box.  things in the apartment that i know i won't be using anymore for the rest of my stay here in hong kong goes in the box. i've also started buying things that are common in hong kong but hard to find in california.  those go in the box.  books i've read go in the box.  i don't think i'll be doing any more photo shoots in hong kong, so my studio lights went in the box.

the box goes to the philippines.  from there the contents will be resorted, and only the "musts" go to california.

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mini mango (pahutan), and silly things

when i was a kid i loved toys that looked nothing like the real thing.  they can be the ugliest one-color plastic toy car with nothing but air inside - two pieces of thin molded plastic halves with untidy joint right in the middle, or a teeny weeny solid plastic gun no bigger than a coin, so small and unrecognizable in shape, never mind in details, that one couldn't really make out what it was until one saw on the candy wrapper it came in that indeed it was meant to be a toy gun.    it made me feel special that adults had to create something especially for my kind, the child whose only source of spending money was the occasional spare change from my mother's pocket.  i thought, how nice of these people to try to amuse me with these silly things. of course even at such a young age it occured to me that they were what they were not because of purposeful design but because they had to be the cheapest possible product  that can be wrapped with a piece of candy, but why spoil romantic notions with practical ideas?

it's somewhat the same way with the tiny mangoes (pictured above, Mangifera altissima, or simply "pahutan" where i grew up) that i found in the market today.  i loved these when i was a kid.  i'd bite a small bit from the pointed end and start peeling the skin off like a tape going round all the way, then pop the whole thing in my mouth (about the size of a sushi).  the pit is very thin and i used to bend them in my mouth because small as they were, they were still a considerable chunk in a child's mouth.  my mom used to bring some home and make a big fuss of how special these are.  i, of course, believed her.  it made me feel special that there was a mini version even of this common fruit, something specifically for me.  until of course i was older and she kept buying these, at which point i realized that  she was buying these for herself.  and of course at that age i was already well aware that not everything was about me and that adults enjoy their own special things, too.


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I'm nervous.

 
i always am when making big decisions.  in about half a year, my job commitment here in hong kong will be over.  when that time comes, i've decided i'm moving to san francisco.

it's scary.  yet another start.  i don't know how many i've had.  i'm tired - of moving, of starting over, of being nervous.  it's scary because i've ran out of the thoughtless bravado of my younger days that made me plunge head-on to "adventures" like this, and fantasies that i'd hoped such move would make real. it's scary because i can still remember how rough it was the first time i moved to the bay area, at the height of the dot-com bust, and i can't imagine the current economic situation to be any better than it was at that time. it's scary because i feel too old to be starting again, even though i've wrestled with this terror when i left berlin two years ago.  it's scary because i don't think i can do another move if this doesn't work out.


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resolutions

© Joselito Briones
not the new year's kind, timing's just a coincidence. it's more about this (link to previous post).

first one's long ago solved.  i couldn't remember the 4-digit PIN because, surprise - it's a 6-digit PIN. (how could i have forgotten this?) when i couldn't remember what it was, i looked at my secret place for PINs and passwords and such. it was there all along. i ignored it the first few times because i was looking for a 4-digit PIN.  doh. i actually had to convince myself to try the 6-digit one. how stupid is that?

as to stock photography, i've consulted my ever-reliable oracle in new york, source of high-wisdom and tips on the latest happenings at the local malls (do you know anyone who got excited upon hearing that target will soon have a fresh produce section?),  and the advice i was given helped me make a plan. i love plans. i don't even have to follow them through.  all i need is a plan and i'm in a happy place.

the third one - ah well, who cares.


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photo above is of course me, from our office christmas dinner last night, at pierre's in mandarin oriental.  i'll post more photos tomorrow. or next year. and no, that's not the happy place i was talking about. that's the constantly flowing wine.

paralytic

© Joselito Briones

numb started friday before last. i was standing in front of the ATM machine and for the life of me i could't remember my PIN. it's not like it's new, i've been using it at least once a week for the past year. i tried to clear my mind and get the first 4 digits that i could think of. i came up with the PIN of my atm cash card in berlin. the people in the line behind me were already making their impatience known so i cancelled the transaction and walked away. i made up another 4 digits in my mind and thought about it over and over until i was convinced that it was the right combination. the next atm machine, 3 blocks from the one i was just in, said it was nothing more than made-up memory. as it was a friday night, there was no way to get a new PIN until the following monday. a whole weekend without cash.

or maybe the symptoms really started three months ago, when istockphoto decided to impose the royalty cut on the contributors' share. i was uploading photos at the exact moment of the announcement and i just stared at it in disbelief. motherfuckers! helplessness came after anger then the one question that never got answered no matter how many times i asked. "what now?"

on whichever date it started, the effect is simple enough. general feeling of helplessness, lying on my bed just thinking about the same things over and over. obsessing over injustices i have to put up with (mostly imaginary, of course) recurring inability to move my ass to do something productive - something else other than lying down thinking - anything else.

worst attack (thankfully also the shortest) was thursday night. a good friend whom i'm visiting overseas in the near future, sent me an email saying a mutual friend might also be there at the same time. someone i had (an ancient) personal history with. i was paralyzed with i don't know what. i was up all night  thinking about it. when morning came i read the email again before calling in sick at work.  turns out i misread the message and we weren't gonna be there at the same time after all.  i went to work without sleep.

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Hampstead Heath

© Joselito Briones

LIfe's been easy... most weekends Jerome and Ronnie would invite us for a drive somewhere nice for a weekend (they bought a brand new volvo). This time the destination was Hampstead Heath, within London. The area we set up picnic in is called "Kite Hill" or "Parliament Hill". Needless to say, there was plenty of food and wine, and picnic necessities (plates, cutleries, wine glasses) willingly lent to us by Waitrose. Pictured above are (L-R) Mati, Ronnie, Jerome, Gaudi, Mickael.


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London trip confirmed

© Joselito Briones

Mati has been for sometime asked by his company to work in England again, but he hasn't really been agreeable with the terms they offer, so he's declined it (and it's in some other city, not in London). This time they offered him a short-term assignment instead (6 weeks) in London, so he took it. I've also got several things to do in London (Ronnie and Jerome's partnership ceremony, Wil's housewarming party, iStock minilypse), so I'm tagging along. So yeah, for the next 6 weeks starting Friday, Mati and I will be in London.

Photo above is one of my absolute favorite places to visit in London, the National Portrait Gallery, taken during my recent trip there. Okay, it's actually the building behind the ornate wrought iron street lamp and kiosk. I've always been fascinated by the human face as photography (and drawing) subject, and this place has a treasury of the different styles different personalities have been portrayed.


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Teeth needed cleaning

© Joselito Briones

Busy busy. Went to Frankenlabor to pick up test strips and bring color films for processing. Went to dentist for "professional" teeth cleaning. Then back home. Uploaded some photos including one, above. Frankenlabor again to pick up the films and to bring disc for printing. Marktplatz to buy some herbs. Asian grocery to buy some vegies. Upload some more.


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Forgetful

© Joselito Briones

Stupid me. I went to Frankenlabor to bring the films I used on my recent trip for processing, only to find out, upon reaching the photo lab, that with all the other things I bothered to bring (umbrella, digital camera, shopping bag), I forgot to bring the film rolls. I thought, well, it can't be too bad, I can still do grocery on my way back. Only, when inside the grocery, I found that I forgot to bring money. How stupid is that? Wasted a good hour and half for nothing. Must be really getting old.

Photo above is from the same series as the shoot with Vicki and Zack.


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Solitaire for two

© Joselito Briones

Whoever invented solitaire should be given a Nobel Prize or something.

Now that my parents are both retired, it's one thing that keeps them interacting together, keeping them sharp. They bicker over every game, who gets to play it (they only have one deck), and one almost always tells the other how to play it properly. To comic effect. Presumably so, because I always hear them laughing so much whenever they play solitaire together.

I took photos of them at Cesar's backyard, they're going back to the Philippines tomorrow.


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Golden Friends

© Joselito Briones

My Itay's down with a cold today, so I ended up driving my Inay to Hayward, close to where I lived when I moved to the U.S., to visit her friends before she goes back to the Philippines again. It was a beautiful afternoon, in one of those days when I wonder why I ever left California. Light refreshments included Vietnamese-style roast pork sandwiches and fresh fruits.

It must be one the best things one can wish for in life, having friends to be with and chat about nothing in particular.


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Holding Up

© Joselito Briones

I thought I should just put up an "under construction sign", because frankly it's not easy to write about what's going on in this head of mine right now. But then I thought, hey, I can at least put something up everyday, no matter how boring, if only to let you know that I'm still here.


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The only way is up

© Joselito Briones

It's one of those days... I guess it's natural, no matter how much you try to avoid it - you always end up revisiting the darkest places in your self. Sometimes you get surprised to find that there are actually places there that you never knew existed or assumed not to exist anymore.

I remember once, when I still lived close to you, and I found myself in the same-ish state, Jerry, the eternal optimist had the perfect way to help me deal with it. On the phone, which I finally answered after having (intentionally) left it inside the closet so I wouldn't hear it ring, he told me, like it wasn't really something one had to decide on - it's the thing to do, to take a long shower, put on something nice, and he'll take me out. Didn't really matter where. He showed up in my apartment, grabbed a pen, wrote something on post-its, and stuck them everywhere: in my wallet, on my desk, on the cover of my check book. Something positive to balance the energy. We went out, not really far, just in the neighborhood. Just to be out. Just enough to avoid being stuck at the bottom.


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Happy Man

© Joselito Briones

Ah. The excitement of being in love. His update is that things are still going good with him and the long-distance-for-now girl in the Philippines. He's rather excited about it, more so, I think, than about the condo unit that he purchased recently. He phoned today to inquire about my mom, and mentioned that he himself has been feeling a bit under the weather the past few days.


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1st year Anniversary

© Joselito Briones

Guess what today is? It's my first year anniversary of moving to Erlangen! Can you believe I've been here a year??? I can't. What I can believe though, is that one can basically be in denial of living in a place for a year, maybe more. HA!


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It's all right

© Joselito Briones

I phoned California today to inquire as to the result of my Mom's hospital visit. It seems like it wasn't her old ailment that's bothering her presently, so she'll back for more tests on Monday.


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Distress Call

© Joselito Briones

Norie phoned today to relay the news that my mom's ill. She'll have to fly back to California on Monday to go to the hospital, so her usual doctor can attend to her.

I so want to go there to be with her... we'll see.


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