paralytic

© Joselito Briones

numb started friday before last. i was standing in front of the ATM machine and for the life of me i could't remember my PIN. it's not like it's new, i've been using it at least once a week for the past year. i tried to clear my mind and get the first 4 digits that i could think of. i came up with the PIN of my atm cash card in berlin. the people in the line behind me were already making their impatience known so i cancelled the transaction and walked away. i made up another 4 digits in my mind and thought about it over and over until i was convinced that it was the right combination. the next atm machine, 3 blocks from the one i was just in, said it was nothing more than made-up memory. as it was a friday night, there was no way to get a new PIN until the following monday. a whole weekend without cash.

or maybe the symptoms really started three months ago, when istockphoto decided to impose the royalty cut on the contributors' share. i was uploading photos at the exact moment of the announcement and i just stared at it in disbelief. motherfuckers! helplessness came after anger then the one question that never got answered no matter how many times i asked. "what now?"

on whichever date it started, the effect is simple enough. general feeling of helplessness, lying on my bed just thinking about the same things over and over. obsessing over injustices i have to put up with (mostly imaginary, of course) recurring inability to move my ass to do something productive - something else other than lying down thinking - anything else.

worst attack (thankfully also the shortest) was thursday night. a good friend whom i'm visiting overseas in the near future, sent me an email saying a mutual friend might also be there at the same time. someone i had (an ancient) personal history with. i was paralyzed with i don't know what. i was up all night  thinking about it. when morning came i read the email again before calling in sick at work.  turns out i misread the message and we weren't gonna be there at the same time after all.  i went to work without sleep.

XXX